Oh, my God! Gorgeous!
Perfect.
That was a ten! A perfect ten!
So, Al Jolson,
you mind jumping in the water
and also screaming on the way down, "I love my daddy"?
Okay.
Yeah, do it, do it for me.
- Do it for Da-da. - I love my daddy.
Daddy is my favorite adult!
You're paying her enough for this, right?
And I love you, my Little British crumpet!
All right, homeboy, you're up next. Let's go.
Come up with something on your own.
You gotta squeeze out another log?
What happened? What'd he whisper to you?
Water's too deep.
Water's too deep for what?
He can't swim.
He can't swim?
And you wanna swim with the dolphins? That makes a lot of sense.
Hadn't thought it through.
No kidding you didn't think it through.
Thought about spending all my money, though, didn't you?
- Danny! - I'm saying, I'm not the kid's...
Okay. No one taught you how to swim, huh?
Well, my dad's supposed to, but he's busy.
Busy being an idiot.
You guys have to come in, the water feels magical!
I got something magical, too. Right in the downstairs area.
I don't high-five when it's...
Downstairs area!
- No, put it away. Sorry. - No, stop.
You know what? I think Mommy's gonna explore the magical waters.
Honey, are you okay to hang out here with fake Daddy?
Sure.
Really? You're gonna get undressed? What are you doing?
- What? - You got a bathing cap, too?
You're the worst.
A 1920s swimming gown on, honey?
Don't do it. Don't take it off.
- Yeah. - I have to be alone.
Okay.
God, I gotta start taking the stairs more.
Don't buy that line.
She takes spinning classes like they're M&M's.
I think he's wearing my underwear.
What is he doing?
Yo, I guarantee you fall!
I'm all set.
Thank you, God.
I wanna climb Palmer Mountain, so what do you say we get rid of these kids?
No. They had them last night. It's our turn.
Isn't that how things work? We alternate?
- What? - No.
I get the kids... I had them today.
That counted as a "me" day and then she gets them at night.
That's how we do it.
Dolph, Devlin,
do you want us to watch the kids so that you guys can have a Little alone time?
- I don't think... - Yes! Absoshnutely!
We are sleeping together!
You guys have your own beds and it's our time!
- So we're gonna watch them. - Good.
You guys wanna come take a look at the balcony?
I think I saw some dolphins around here.
Dolphins? Hey, he loves those, right? Dolphins.
- Sorry. Okay, go. - All right, let go. Come on.
- Get the dolphins. - Bye, you guys.
That's why we're here, the dolphins. See you out there.
Listen, if anything happens and you need any... And I mean anything,
you have to call me.
I'm good at this, I swear to you.
I used to baby-sit Eddie when we were children.
- Eddie is your fault? - No, no, no.
But I want you to enjoy tonight. Come on, it's like a free night.
You can do whatever you want.
You can knit yourself some socks or shock people with your sneaky hot body.
- I don't know what you're talking about. - Cary Grant?
I'm just gonna sit in my room
and worry about you and them and everything.
What about just hang out platonically with Eddie tonight? Have some dinner?
Or is he not good enough? You need Brian, the guy from Foghat, around here.
That really bothered you that I went to lunch with that guy.
What do you mean, you went to lunch with him?
I told you I was going to lunch with him.
I thought it was he asked you to lunch and you were gonna like scoff at it.
But you did? You fell for his charms?
I don't even understand what this is.
It's the beard, man.
It doesn't move!
Well, yeah, in the wind, man. It's flapping around.
All right. You know what? I'll tell you this.
The guy made it through an entire lunch with a woman
without making up a fake life.
You just hurt me.
That was not nice, but it was the truth.
And I speak the truth.
Please pay attention to my children.
Everything will be nice.
They serve room service in the hallway.
I'm so nauseous. Okay. Bye.
Alone at last!
Let's play the game. We were doing so good with the game.
"If you could be one person besides yourself,
"who would you be?"
Rachael Ray, because I've always wanted to know how to cook.
- Really? - Oh, she's darling.
You know what? I don't really wanna be anyone else.
I'm happy with who I am. I choose me.
Or Captain Kirk. Either one.
- See, that's a good one. - All right.
What about you, Bart?
Mr. DeCesare.
Our mailman? Why?
He just seems like he's got it all figured out.
We're getting deep.
Okay, moving on.
Okay. "Name something that makes you sad. "
That Judi Dench has never won the Oscar for Best Actress.
It's a travesty.
That 'N Sync broke up.
Yeah. That was rough on all of us.
Who's 'N Sync?
Sadness. Bart, you're up.
I don't wanna say mine.
Okay. Let's move on then.
Hey!
Honey, come on. You can share anything with us.
Yeah, share. He Looks like he's about to lose it, but okay.
When my dad doesn't have time for me.
Come on, it's okay.
We're okay. We're okay. It's fine. It's all gonna be okay.
Come on.
We don't need him in our lives.
- Wow. - No, no, no, he's...
We're okay. It's fine.
It's all gonna be okay.
This has nothing to... This is, like, from a long time ago!
It's okay.
What are you doing?
Well, that was a major setback.
"When my dad doesn't have time for me. "
We're sorry.
I know you're sorry. I know you got real stuff going on with your family.
And it's painful.
But you gotta just hold it in till you get to the mainland again.
You're the ones who wanted to come here and go swimming with the dolphins
or standing with the dolphins because you can't swim.
- Can you act professional? - Yes, sir.
For at least two more days, until I kill you off
in a boarding school train accident?
I thought it was a car accident.
I don't know. Either that or a science explosion, just something.
You're gonna be dead soon. That's the good news. Okay?
So, can you just focus for a few more days?
- Yes. - Good.
So, give me some fake hugs right now
and laugh real loud like we're the happiest family on earth.
- Okay. - Is that possible?
And Laughing, Laughing, Laughing.
Okay, that's it. Laugh louder, louder.
I love you guys!
Hey, sweetie! What's going on? What's up?
So, kids, I just got off the phone with your mom
and you guys are gonna have plenty of time to spend with your dad tomorrow
because she and I are gonna have a nice, long spa day.
Awesome! Awesome, awesome.
You guys are so...
I'll see you in a minute, okay? I love you.
- Okay, he's losing it. - Okay, good night.
He's losing it.
All right, here we go. Everybody out.
So, what are we doing?
Palmer forgot her camera in the room
so I'm gonna have a surprise for her when she gets back from the spa.
A stolen camera?
No, some pictures of us having a great time
reassuring her of all the fun we have together.
I forgot to flush the toilet before I left the hotel.
- So she's gonna have two surprises. - Okay.
No one's supposed to crap as much as you do.
You gotta look into that Pepto Bismol or something.
Here's your putters. Bing.
- And a bam. - Thank you.
Let's just look right in the camera.
And we're having fun.
And we're a family. We love each other.
And boo!
All right, let's do the old Michael-hit-a-putt shot. Okay?
So boom, that's in the hole.
And you're excited about that, and we're happy for him, and...
Maggie just hit the ball, but you followed through too much
and it made you fall on your back.
Okay, but... Look at this.
You're Laughing, but I'm a concerned father, so I'm like,
"Oh, my God. "
All right, now,
let's just laugh at something I say, because I'm a funny dad.
You're very close with me, and you think I'm funny, and...
Why are we always Laughing? Is there something wrong with us?
No. You're just amused by everything I say. So, here we go.
Can we take a break? Do something really fun?
No, we're not doing anything fun, man. We're here to fake having fun.
Come on. Right to the camera.
Don't worry. We never have fun with our real dad either.
Oh, man.
All right. How's this? I'll teach you how to swim, okay?
Before your mother gets back from the "spa day" in four hours?
- Is that even possible? - Yeah.
But we're gonna take one more picture, if you don't mind.
Make that two pictures. Maggie.
Throw this straight in the air. Make it look like...
On the count of three, one, two, three.
Okay.
Now, Michael, lay down.
On your back. And...
Yeah, all the way over. See if you can clench this.
Now look like you're in pain.
It took my friend a whole summer to learn how to swim.
How're you gonna teach me so quick?
I'm gonna do it the same way my grandfather taught me.
Don't worry. It took Grandpa eight hours to teach us. It was a nightmare.
But there's two of us here now, and we're sober. You're gonna be fine.
All right. You're doing great.
- Is he doing great? - He's doing great.
Okay. We want to advance a Little, though. I need you to swim to Uncle Eddie.
If you get there without touching the bottom, we'll give you a dolphin cookie.
Is that what your grandpa gave you?
No, Grandpa gave us something he'd call a Heineken.
- I want one of those. - No. Stick with the dolphin cookie.
Yeah. They hurt less when they get thrown at your head.
God, he was a sick man.
Yeah. Okay? Are we ready? Don't think about it. Commit. Kick, kick.
- Get the cookie. - Move your feet.
Kick, kick!
Right there! Reach for it! You got it!
Doing good, buddy!
There you go!
My boy! That was terrific, buddy.
Have your cookie. We're gonna move on, though.
Hey, Devlin?
- Devlin? - Yeah?
So, Danny's birthday is next week, and I have no idea what to get him.
Well, don't get him a tie.
He has 100 of them and he never wears them.
That's good to know.
He loves books on tape for his car.
Fishing gear.
Loves it. Doesn't use it.
Can't take the fish off of the hook once he catches it, so he just collects it.
He loves candy. Jelly Bellies. Loves them, his favorite.
But he only likes the Cotton Candy and the Peanut Butter.
So you have to buy the bag of the Jelly Bellies,
separate the Cotton Candy and the Peanut Butter
and put them into a Little...
It's a kind of Ziploc baggies that I got online.
You know so much about him.
Yeah.
I've known the guy forever.
Music. Loves music.
But anything after '95, don't bother. You'll lose him.
That's when I finished my Girl Scouts.
All right. How many cookies do we got left?
Maybe about forty!
What do you think, 40 feet for 40 cookies?
Can you handle that? You need a Little rest?
Let's do this.
Really? Okay, he's ready! He's ready to rock!
Almost.
What? No.
Oh, my! Ladies and gentlemen, off come the floaties!
This is getting serious!
Are you sure about this, Michael?
- Hell, yeah. - All right.
No matter what, you're a good man, okay?
Keep kicking. I'm here if you need me.
You got this.
- Go! - Go, Michael!
- Go! Breathe! - Yeah!
- Kick it! - Go!
- Move your arms! - Yeah!
He doesn't have floaties on!
Oh, my God!
Get the cookies!
Come on, sweetheart! You've got it! A Little bit more, Little bit more.
- Swim! Swim! - Oh, my God!
- Come on! - Just a Little bit more!
Keep going, Michael! Don't give up!
Very nice!
That's my boy! Yeah, buddy!
I did it! I did it!
Thank you!
No way, that was you, buddy.
That was awesome. Way to go!
What are we looking at?
Jeez. Oh, God. Devlin.
Devlin. Oh, God. You snuck up on me.
- Did I? - Yes.
Do you startle easily? That's a sign of menopause.
Devlin?
Palmer Dodge, this is Devlin.
She and I went to college together.
- This is Palmer Dodge. - Aloha, Palmer.
Is this your daughter?
No, no, no. I'm actually the girlfriend.
Whose girlfriend?
Yes, hi.
I am the Dolph. Willkommen. And you're very beautiful.
Married, flattered. Thanks. Where's Danny?
Danny is in the water teaching our Little boy how to swim.
Hi, Doctor!
He was so sweet.
You know what's so crazy is that I have never met anybody
with the first name Devlin before.
You know, and here you are, and your name's Devlin and...
Shark attack!
We are playing Bavarian pool rugby and now I'm in the lead.
Okay, bye!
She's trying to beat me, but she won't.
No one can!
This is fun!
Anyway, something's opened up in our schedule tonight.
So, we were wondering if you and Danny were good to go for dinner.
- Oceano's. Seven o’clock. - No...
Oh, no, you don't! She's like a shark. Come on.
Is it a bad night? Are you two fighting?
No! We're not fighting. No, we just, we're delighting. We're just fine.
No, that's great. Tonight's gonna happen. Yeah, perfect.
- Perfect. Anyway, see you tonight! - Okay, Devlin.
Oh, my God! Dolph, let her breathe!
Yes, I...
- Dolph! - What?
What was that?
I was... Were you under...
I don't understand. Why would you say yes?
Because I didn't know, I didn't say no.
I'm not leaving here. What would I tell Palmer?
What's going on, sweetie?
So, today, you know, with Dolph pushing me in the pool. It was weird, right?
No, no, no. He's a sheepherder. That's what those guys do, you know?
They do a lot of horseplay and that's kind of initiation time for you.
You're in the gang, I think.
Okay. Yeah.
Well, I was thinking for tonight,
maybe we could have a Little me and you time?
I'll get my rubber duck and see you in a sec.
Yeah, no, I'm not doing this tonight.
It's like my first night alone with the girl.
AII I'm asking you is one favor!
Just get this one dinner with me
so I can save face with this horrible, heinous human being.
What am I gonna tell Palmer?
Would you just put her on the phone?
Oh, God.
Tell me she is not listening to 'N Sync.
No, no, no. It's coming from the elevator.
Hey!
Danny, that is my jam.
Someone on the phone for you.
- I don't know who. - Okay.
Hello?
What is that?
- It's Palmer. - So?
I need you to get on the phone. I need you to ask her out.
I need you to take her as far away from the hotel for the entire night.
Would you please just do this for me?
No, I'm already eating. I just wanna hang out.
- Seriously, I need you. - What are you doing? No.
My gosh.
- Take it. - All right.
Go for Dolph.
It's Dolph.
Okay, I got an idea.
How about you and me, we go and get the dinner tonight?
To supper?
Tonight?
Yes, and we get to know each other, because I think it's important for the kids
to have good symmetry in the family unit.
Yeah, hang on. Let me check with Danny.
Dolph wants to do dinner tonight.
No. No, no, no.
All right, tell him yeah.
Yeah, that's fine.
Awesome. Thank you so much.
What am I supposed to say to her all night?
You spout crazy nonsense for hours in Eurotrashenese.
Just do it, but just do it far away from the hotel.
Okay, fine, I'll do it, but if I do good, can I sleep in the bed with you?
No. Why? You've got a great private room.
Really? Because when we were in the Napa Valley,
they said that wasn't a good time of year for Merlot.
How about the Verite Cabernet?
Isn't Cabernet really grapey? I mean, I like grapey, but not overly grapey.
Did you go over the index cards?
I glanced at them, yes.
You glanced at them?
I graduated med school without reading a book. Just relax.
Just give us the most expensive bottle you have and it'll probably be good enough.
Perfect!
Look at us, Katherine.
Both so happily married. I mean...
Can you believe it?
Everything I always hoped for, right, Yogi?
Boo-Boo.
- My Yogi Bear. - My Boo-Boo.
Never enough.
Hold on a second.
I love the way you smell.
Nothing smells as good as Devlin.
Smelling Devlin, always a good thing.
This is really where we're eating?
Oh, yes. No, the hotel says it's amazing und very far away.
Yeah, it's good.
I want that car. I'll give you two chickens for it.
Two chickens, that's very nice of you, but...
Don't be scared.
We're just here for dinner. Also, this car's worth about 10,000 chickens.
Don't pour over me.
I'll bring my glass to you.
So, Danny, you're a plastic surgeon.
Yes.
Very convenient for you, Katherine.
No, this girl’s had nothing done. She's just a natural beauty.
- She really is. - Sweetie.
What about me? What would you do to fix me?
Professionally speaking?
Nothing. I wouldn’t do a thing to you.
Nothing?
You're too sweet.
They already took too much fat out of your arms,
but that's what sleeves are for.
So, where did you two meet?
We just, we met at a concert.
- Sting. - Yeah.
Live at the Index Card.
It was a benefit for the rainforest.
Someone's on the phone for you. I think it's the guy from The Omen.
Go for the iMan.
Hold on a second.
Can I say something before you say what you're gonna say?
Seeing the man who invented the iPod, on the iPhone,
- saying, "Go for the iMan... " - Yeah.
...that was like watching Ronald McDonald
eat a cheeseburger off the Grimace.
- I'm serious. That was serious stuff. - It's so true.
That, to me, was like watching Dr. Kevorkian kill himself.
Oh, no.
I'm sorry. This is one of my foundations. I've gotta take this.
Your virtue, your intelligence, your passion.
Your beauty, your drive, and your womanhood.
It's something we do whenever the other leaves.
We say what we love most about the other.
- That's really nice. - That's big. I like that.
You guys should try it.
- Yes, we should. - We should. We’ll try that later.
- We have to. - Not everyone can do it.
We’ll do it now.
- Right now. - Okay.
So, broke and penniless, I took to the streets to sell my wares.
And by wares, I mean my body.
And by body, I mean my schnitzel.
Help! Is there a veterinarian in the house?
My pet sheep, he passed out. He's not breathing!
I don't know what's wrong with him!
Him! Him! He's not a vet, but he sells sheep for a living.
Oh, me, yes.
I do, yes. I am that.
Please come this way!
- Now? - Yes!
- This way, this way! - What is this?
Is that a real sheep?
Okay.
Yes...
Hello...
Yes?
Yes, in my expert opinion, that sheep is dead.
I'm very sorry.
Let's go eat. Okay, show's over. Let's go.
He's still alive! Please, you have to do something!
Oh, shit on me.
You look each other in the eyes and you say what you love about the other.
We can't just say it? We gotta look at each other for this thing?
Okay. Yes. We're so ready.
Are you ready?
Go ahead.
- You're on. - Okay.
Come on.
I love your sense of humor.
You do?
All of it?
Every dirty bit of it.
I love your stories.
- Yes. They can go long, but... - It's okay.
- ... I try to finish strong. - Always entertaining.
And I love that you...
Love that you read the index cards.
Of course.
And I love that you secretly
have a huge heart,
and it's just filled with kindness
and humility.
And blood?
I'm sure there's blood.
I don't know, I...
I just think you're a really nice person and I really like...
I really love spending time with you.
That's good enough for me right there. Yeah, game over.
Danny?
Game back on? We gotta...
Well, I'd like to start off by saying
that I love the most that you fixed your teeth.
Why did I know that...
They were horrible, I agree.
No, no.
You know what I love?
How you just do everything for everybody else
and you never expect anything back.
In fact, when I say thank you, I don't know, do you hear that or not?
It's cute.
And I love...
I just love...
You're the only person I've never lied to in my life.
I swear to God.
I just trust you more than anybody in the world.
You know every secret about me.
I love your smile.
That smile is the magic.
When I'm in the operating room all I think about is,
"All right, 20 more minutes, I get to see the smile. "
It's just like...
It starts my day, that smile.
I won best smile at our sorority three years straight, right, Katherine?
Not Little Bucky here.
Okay, here we go! Hi, yes!
We do the sheep dance, right? We want to live and dance more, yes.
Okay, all right. Here we go. Eat some food. Eat the food. Come on, here we go.
Couple more zings.
Make the milk. Yes, he makes the milk. You love it. You give milk to the baby.
All right.
One, two, three, here we go!
Come on!
We got a couple things that I know how to do!
Yes, this is a good test, so why not?
All right. Here we go.
You're killing him!
The sheep lives! The sheep lives!
Yes! Here we go, one more time. Here we go. Yes!
This is what I did. You saw this. Yes!
Welcome. I am Tanner Patrick, Jr.
We're ready for the legendary Oceano's Hula Competition.
Legendary? Never heard of it!
Legendary like the day you were once sober. So...
She talks the talk, who will walk the walk
and walk with me to the Ladies' Lounge? Feeling it...
I think you should do it, Devlin.
Because she would win.
- I'll do it! - Good show!
Katherine? How about you?
Come on, this isn't Katherine's thing. Right, Katherine?
No, no, not my...
Her speed. Not mine.
Some people are just more comfortable on the sidelines, so don't judge her, honey.
Your honesty, your fearlessness, and your tickle spot.
Your creativity, your bravery, and your taffy nipples.
Let's go! How do I win this thing?
I'm gonna do this hula thing.
Don't feel any pressure, Katherine.
I'm not the one who should feel the pressure.
Ladies and gentlemen, a warm welcome for tonight's hula girls.
These are my stars. And here's the key,
you decide how brightly they shine tonight.
You the audience, judge and jury. I like what I see.
This is my hula palooza.
You're the judges. You're voting for your favorite hula girl.
How about we do one over here?
Can I get a Little something-something up here in the corner?
Has anybody got a conscience here tonight?
Come on, you did well. You did well.
It's tough.
What do I got over here? Anybody?
How tall do you think that guy is?
Who? The Tanner guy? I don't know.
Yeah, that Tanner. Looks pretty tall, I'd say he's like 6'3".
Yeah, I don't know.
Can I get a positive reaction?
Thank you.
How about this Little girl? Let's make her night.
How about it?
I like it. Keep the mojo going. How about Big Country in the corner?
Do I got...
Sorry.
This is fixed!
Tall fellow is lucky to get away.
Let's pick up the tempo, boys.
What? What is that?
Okay. This is a lot faster.
Fabulous!
Yeah, baby!
What?
Come on.
Nobody got cheated here tonight.
These are two of the hottest chicks we have ever had up here.
But our job is not done. I need your help, because I need a winner.
Let me hear you.
Beautiful!
Wow, that is gonna be tough to beat. Let's not kid anybody.
How about over here?
There you have it. We have ourselves...
That's my Boo-Boo!
A tie! We have ourselves a tie.
That's great. We both win. Good...
What's the tiebreaker?
This is how we settle ties in my house.
It's something I like to call Coconut Smoochie.
The object of the game is, the coconut is in their midsections.
It must move all the way up to their mouths without the use of their hands.
Focus, focus.
If you touch the coconut, you are disqualified.
Okay. Ready? One, two, three, get coconutty!
Okay. Slow.
Okay, all right. Calm down, calm down.
- Let me just bring it up to you. - Okay, do it.
Get it up there. Come on.
Bring your coconuts down to me.
Okay. Oh, my coconuts.
- Pull up. All right. - I'm so low.
Squeeze your coconuts. Squeeze them.
Use every crevice you can. Don't be afraid.
- I can't get it up here. - I'm trying.
Would you be quiet?
- Stay there. - Wait.
- Okay, that's good. - Is that good?
Sorry about this, by the way.
Really? You're really sorry about this?
No, I'm not. I like it.
Yeah!
Pick it up, pick it up! Not with your hands, you buffoon!
Come on!
- Look what he's doing! - What happened?
I can't see.
Focus. Take it slow, take it slow.
He's got it!
That's not fair. He can't do that.
No, that's a clean pick-up right there.
Okay. Bring it over here.
Go! Go! Go!
I got it.
There's still time. Let's go.
You can touch each other, you cannot touch the coconut.
Hang on, hang on.
- What's going on? - What is that? What do you use?
- What's the hold-up? - You still got that perfume on, huh?
- Would you stop it? - Smells good. Come on, let's go.
Have you got it to your mouth yet, Boo-Boo?
Stop putting your ass in my face.
- I like it. - That's my girl. Okay.
We've got a winner! We have a winner! We have a winner.
Coconut Smoochie champions right here.
Awesome.
You suck at everything!
Boo-Boo.
Great teamwork, guys. How long have you two been married?
- Eight years. - Ten years.
- Eight.
- Very long time. - A very long time.
- Did you see the look on her face? - Yes.
Do you understand what joy that brought me?
How about the look on her face when you were doing the juggling, though?
- The juggling was the highlight for me. - That was pretty good. You liked that?
It was so cute.
And when you talked about her arms getting done?
The good news is she's beating the hell out of the iPod guy right now.
Right now, I know.
That was good. That was really fun.
You know what, I think that was the first time that you and I have ever
gone out, you know, just us.
I know. I do. I feel bad for the Soul Patch now.
I do.
Now that you've been out with a real man.
And by a real man, I mean a man who showers.
I think it's so adorable how obsessed you are with this guy.
I just can't picture you guys on a date, you know what I mean?
Who said it was a date ever?
- You. - You.
You get very excited when you talk to this man.
Listen, Dr. Gervitz is moving his practice to New York City.
Yeah.
Brian is not gonna go with him, and he...
He's just been asking me if
I would want to, you know, replace him.
You're going?
No.
You can't do that to me.
I just wanted to see how you'd react. Look at you. You can't live without me.
"What do I do? How do I sign it? How do I pay for it?"
No. You kind of played with me a Little bit, though.
You could’ve told me that earlier.
You're just messing with me? Trying to get me a Little jealous, weren't you?
No. I just was having fun teasing you.
That was fun. Why? Were you jealous?
No. Get outta here. Was I jealous? No.
Look at you. You're grinning, you can't stop, what is that smile?
I didn't know you had that many teeth.
I know. I got like 55 teeth.
No. So there's nothing?
You and... There's nothing?
No love connection?
No. Nothing.
Well, then, that's a shame.
What?
That coconut getting in the way tonight.
That's a shame, don't you think?
- No. - No, that was bad.
The coconut. You're lucky that coconut was there.
You couldn’t... You wouldn’t have been able to handle it.
Maybe you're right.
You got more tricks that I don't know about?
- I don't know. - Okay.
I don't know anything.
- Mommy? - Mommy?
Hi, guys! Hey! What're you doing?
- The babysitter fell asleep. - Great.
I mean, come on, it's like a Hawaiian Rosa, huh?
- Is it? - Oh, my God.
- Yeah, that's asleep. - Look at that.
- Wow. - She's out deep.
All right. Good to see you guys.
Good night.
Good job. One more day of lying, guys.
We're almost done. Home stretch.
All right. So, you gotta go to sleep.
Yeah.
- Tired? - Yes. Good night.
- Okay. That was fun. - Good job.
- Good night. - Good night.
- All right.
Okay, Danny.
Okay, good luck. I'll see you in the morning.
She ain't going to sleep.
Hello! There he is, Danny!
It's nice to meet you.
- Where were you going? - What?
I was going... I was going to...
Where were you guys? I was looking for you guys at...
What happened? How was the dinner?
Dolph gave mouth-to-mouth to a sheep.
Yeah. And then we had a few drinks.
Yes. It was choking and so I gave him sheep-P-R.
But he was the black sheep of the family,
but he was also white, if that makes any sense.
And we've been talking about how amazing this trip has been and how amazing you are.
Yeah, all joking aside, it really has been first-class.
And that, if the kids and I hadn't kept you so busy,
that you might've had the time to do something
you've been thinking about doing?
The one ringy-dingy?
Yeah, you told her about that?
I don't need you to get me a ring, Danny.
Let's just get married. Right here.
What now?
Why not? We're in Hawaii. Let's do it tomorrow.
I mean, this has felt special from the moment that we met.
And I've seen the way that you are with the kids,
and it's exactly the way I always imagined my husband would be.
Oh, man...
I don't wanna wait. I just wanna start my life with you.
Hi!
Hi, everybody!
Dolph.
There you are. I have been looking everywhere for you.
- For me? - Yes. Come here. Come on, let's go.
- No way, we can't go. - What?
My Little Oompa Loompa.
Danny and Palmer,
they're getting married tomorrow!
- What? - No, no, I mean, why?
Yeah, we are. But what do you think?
What do you mean, what do I think?
I mean, what does it matter what I think? I think that's great.
Thank you, Devlin.
I really hope that you can be there tomorrow.
I can't.
It's really... It's bad luck for the ex to be at the wedding.
Come on, Dolph. Let's go.
Where are we going? They are here.
We gotta have the sweet sex.
- What? - Okay? Come on.
Okay. Congratulations, though.
I'm trying them on as we speak.
I know, but I just bought them.
I had some with me and the one I have on is pretty amazing.
Michael!
Nincompoop!
Nincompoopenschtic!
Michael, the crap is the stinking...
- Hello? - Hey, you up?
Hi. Yeah. Glad you called.
Are you?
Yeah, I was just checking flights
for your parents tomorrow and I found...
No, no, no. You don't have to do that.
Her parents aren't coming in and she wants it to be kind of elope-y.
Elope-y.
Got it.
Okay, so, are you all set for what you need to wear tomorrow?
Do you think this is a good idea?
What? The wedding?
Yeah, the wedding... Just the whole Palmer thing.
Well, that's why we came out here, right?
I guess.
You don't think it's crazy?
Danny, you don't need my permission.
Okay? You're a big boy.
I know, I just...
I know if I do this that...
Just, things could get weird between you and me at the office, so...
Well, you're not gonna have to worry about that.
You going to New York?
Yeah. I just, you know, I mean...
As much as I was looking forward to you
reconstructing my face,
I really just need to start fresh, you know?
Hello, are you there?
You understand?
I guess.
It's an awful lot of guessing coming through this phone.
I've been divorced, I have two kids, I don't have time for guessing.
Got a big day tomorrow, Doc, all right?
So why don't you just get yourself some sleep?
So that's it. You have nothing else to worry about.
We have the flowers, the music and the location,
which is ha-wowie, by the way, you're gonna love it.
I promise you it is going to be
the most wonderful day of your life, guaranteed.
- Devlin. - Yeah.
Palmer! I didn't...
Well, you just look absolutely beautiful.
- Really? Thank you. - Yes.
- Devlin, can I ask you something? - 'Course.
Do you still want to be with Danny?
- Wait. What? - Because I think that
he still may be in love with you.
Really?
Why would you think that?
He's always glowing when you're around.
And he laughs at your jokes. He doesn't laugh at mine.
Palmer, trust me, there is nothing between me and Danny.
We're just, you know,
we're familiar.
And you are the girl for him.
He even told me that last night.
My God, Devlin, this is such a relief
because I could never stand a chance going up against you.
Turn around. Tell me if this fits.
- Put the hanger up your nose. - Stop!
Excuse me.
- Here you go. - Thank you.
Katherine!
- Katherine! - Oh, Devlin.
- That was so much fun last night. - I know.
I am still trying to work out how you cheated.
I didn't. That's what happened.
So, where's Danny?
Devlin...
Danny's at his wedding.
Come again?
I was never married to him.
All a big lie that I made up.
Why?
'Cause I couldn’t stand the thought of you knowing the truth.
Really?
So, yeah, I'm a single mother.
I have two kids that I love more than anything in the world.
I drive a Honda.
Still have dial-up internet.
I got a 2.7 GPA in college, not a 3.4.
And while I'm at it telling the truth,
I named my kids' poop after you.
And I work for Danny. I'm his assistant. That's it.
Really, I would never have guessed this. I mean, you two had a real connection.
He's great. He's the greatest guy.
And I might even be in love with him, but,
that doesn't really matter at this moment
because he is getting married to another person right now.
Ian and I are breaking up.
What? What happened?
Well, for starters, he's gay.
- He's gay? - I mean, look at him.
That's a strong muscle right there. I'm squeezing.
Devlin, I gotta tell you, last night, with the ass grab of the coconut,
Little bit of a red flag.
I've seen him do that with the soap.
What about the iPod?
- He didn't invent shit. - He didn't?
No! He made his money suing the Dodgers after he got hit by a foul ball.
Oh, God! That's so... What?
Well, this is different.
Yeah, why didn't we try this truth-telling thing before?
I don't know.
- Hey. - Hey.
- What? - That's nice.
It's nice to tell the truth. That's good.
The truth is fun, isn't it?
Like, were you telling the truth when you said you might be in love with me?
- I'm gonna leave you two. - Okay.
- I'm gonna go get a divorce. - Good luck.
Wait, where are my kids?
Palmer took them out for ice cream.
So, how was the wedding?
Okay. All right.
So, we're standing on top of this beautiful cliff.
I start looking out into the Pacific, and I think to myself,
"Wow. I am about to start my life
"with the one I love. "
And the only problem was, the one I love was not with me.
- She wasn't? - She was not.
So you didn't?
- I couldn’t. - You couldn’t.
I mean, don't we have something extra happening with us?
Danny, I...
What happens when we're not on fake-cation and you wake up and realize this is real?
You are the only real thing I've ever had in my life.
Danny, come on, man. I don't...
She's beautiful and she's... I'm not twenty-three.
I'm not that.
She's good, she's very nice, there's only one problem. She's not you.
She's not you.
I have two kids.
I can't just drive them off a cliff. You know?
I love those kids more than anything in the world, Guv'nor.
No, I wanna be with those guys like 23 hours a day.
What about the other hour?
Good job!
- That's what I'm talking about. - Whatever!
Well, everything turned out pretty good for everybody.
Squirt got to swim with the dolphins.
Palmer met some tennis player her own age on the plane ride home,
who's an even bigger fan of 'N Sync.
And Maggie's about to start a three-week acting class
with the actual Dolph Lundgren.
And what happened for me?
Well, I'm finally wearing my wedding ring for real.
And now when women ask me about it,
I'm gonna tell them I'm married to a woman who doesn't beat me,
doesn't cheat on me,
doesn't drink... Well, doesn't drink that much.
And who I'm gonna spend the rest of my life with.
A woman named Katherine.
Would you like to dance with your wife, Doctor Maccabee?
Yes, I would, Mrs. Maccabee.
Yeah, it's okay.
One more.
You were right, Soul Patch is going hard on that bass.
What did I tell you?
- Encore, man. I'm just kidding. - Stop.
I get it. It is long and it's gross.
You don't need wind for that thing to swing around.